My Appa passed away on April 19th, 2009
Till date, it is hard for me to say or type these words. I think all of us expect parents to remain eternally alive. No matter what the level of closeness, affection or interaction we have with our parents, there is always the aura of protection and safety felt when we think of our parents.
Till date, the grief of his loss is as heartbreaking as it was on that fateful day fourteen years ago. It has just gotten easier to go about life without thinking about it all the time. But every once in a while, a song plays on the radio that Appa loved to sing, or the fragrance of something I just cooked reminds me of his cooking and that’s all it takes for the grief and pain to shoot right back up into fierce, hot tears.
Till date, my first instinct is to share every setback, accomplishment and significant event with my Appa. He usually appears in my dreams on days like this, but most of the time I forget the dream as soon as I open my eyes. A feeling of communication remains, and I’m content.
Till date, I have to keep note and account for money leaving my hands. I got too conditioned to Appa asking for an account during the times Amma went for her arthritis treatments and I managed the house with Appa’s help. Actually let me correct myself, he never asked for an account. But the possibility that he could spurred me to keep an account of expenses at all times. Something I do to this day.
Till date, I hear his clear and devotion-filled voice every time our family gets together and recites the prayers that were a staple spiritual diet of my childhood.
Till date, in the back of my mind I am always conscious that I have to live up to Appa’s expectations and bring my best foot forward, whether I am cutting an onion or working on a complex report.
Till date, our family gatherings and weekly calls always include something someone will bring up about Appa, his presence and blessing in our life is felt always and forever.
Till date, his recipes are some of the most popular dishes that I cook. His creations were often ahead of his time, simple, delicious with a touch of Appa’s generous spirit.
Till date, I wish I had more time with him than the seventy three years he lived in this world. Many unsaid and unexpressed thoughts and feelings remain, yet I know deep down where he is concerned, he has already read my mind long ago.
Till date, I am grateful for the father that the universe gave me. He was a father, friend, leader, mentor, guide all rolled up into one. He was a very ambitious and driven individual and led by example. Many a decision I take today and the path I choose to walk on are influenced by his teachings and life lessons.