Every year on 19th April, the day my father passed away back in 2009, I slow down, centre myself, focus on my Appa and in minutes, a story weaves itself from my subsconcious to my conscious mind, to the fingers flying on my keyboard and to a post much like this.
Not this year. This year, I wanted to express another loss we suffered and the words simply wouldn’t come. For 16 years after my own Appa passed away, my husband’s father continued to be the father figure in my life. We lost him as well on the 20th of March this year. Unlike my own Appa, my Appa-in-law was blessed with a sudden but peaceful passing. While we all suffered through the shock of the loss, unlike my Appa who suffered for 4-6 months before he passed away, I was grateful my Appa-in-law did not.
Almost a month to the date after this incident, I observed my own Appa’s 16th death anniversary. Like every year, many memories and visions of the 32 years I had the privilege of having his presence in my life sped by in my heart and soul. But this time, it was accompanied by the memories of another 25 years of knowing and accepting my husband’s father as another Appa in my life.
In many ways, they were very similar to each other.
Both of them were born in 1937, only 3 months apart
Both were a stickler to routine, even if they followed different routines
Both of them loved their families, and had a healthy balance between work and life, one to be rarely found these days
Both loved to play badminton and were good at it too!
Both brought home special goodies on salary day for the family to enjoy
Both found joy equally in the smallest and biggest of moments life brought about
Both loved to read, be it magazines, novels or newspapers
Both loved to solve puzzles and keep their minds active
Both took efforts to support their siblings and extended families and be there in joy or sorrow for them
Both had a great circle of friends who adored them
In many ways though, they could not have been more different!
While one was driven and ambitious, the other accepted life as it came with a smile on his lips and a song in his heart
While one loved to cook and putter around in the kitchen, the other only enjoyed eating the wonderful food his wife prepared
While one would tell me it was my duty to always do things well, the other would quietly come to me and appreciate something I had done with a twinkle in his eye
While one was a disciplinarian, the other adopted a softer and palatable approach
While one could speak on any topic to anyone at the drop of a hat, the other was quiet, unassuming and a man of few words
With their approach towards life, love, family, friends, work and relationships, both showed me two very different but equally fulfilling ways to live my life. I feel fortunate and honored that I was chosen as the daughter to my birth father and my husband’s father. By simply living their lives, they left behind a legacy of values that has become a guiding light for as long as I live.
When my own father passed away 16 years ago, my second father still continued to be his wonderful self, encouraging, smiling, greeting me with a twinkle and an enthusiastic “Radhekrishna!” whenever I managed to join him on a video call with my husband. I chose to take on many challenges in my life, and not once did I hear anything but encouragement. Even when he visited with us, his primary concern would be to ensure he wasn’t being a bother to either of us. Such was his personality.
This year, I lost that remaining father figure in my life as well.
This year, in addition to their love enveloping me, their loss overwhelms me.
As the words finally form and the tears freely flow, I say a prayer of thanks for the time I did get to spend with both of them, and everything I learnt for them.
And through the tears, I smile because both of them are at peace. While they are no longer with us, I know with all my heart that they continue to bestow their love and blessings on all of us.
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