Bhoomija – Part 8 – Dark Thoughts and a Ray of Light

Author’s Note: Every one of my women with spunk stories are true stories, narrated to me by the women who went through these challenges in life, and overcame them with sheer grit and determination. Names have been changed to protect their privacy.

Visit The Bhoomija Story To Access All Parts of this True Story

Even though Ram’s journey towards realisation had firmly begun, Bhoomija’s broken heart and mind could not see past the multiple times he had sided with his family over Bhoomija and their son. Time and time again, only one thought would torture her every moment of every day – that Ram continued to have blind trust towards his parents and would never be able to see her side of the story. What was the point?

Inside Bhoomija’s head, her world was turning very dark and twisted. Many a times she wanted to leave it all, stop trying so hard and just run away, if only she knew where and in which direction to run!

She had actively begun to plot how to end it by other means. If she couldn’t figure out how to run way, she would simply end her life. Every single time Ram ignored the pain in her eyes, one more plan to end it all was hatched in her imagination. 

As her depression set in deeper, her suicidal thoughts turned into suicidal actions. She attempted to take her life multiple times, but the only thing that held her back was her son. 

There were days she would cry and keep crying for no particular reason, until her little boy placed his tiny hands on her cheeks and pulled her into a tiny but strong and loving hug.

For a long time, Bhoomija swung in a vicious circle between wanting to take her life and the consequences of that action on her son. Her mind was a jumble of emotions. On the outside she went about her life like any normal person, but on the inside a permanent whirlwind swirled in her head. Her son in those days was like an anchor that kept her steady while the whirlwind threatened to sweep her away into an abyss.

It was during these troubled times that Ram and Bhoomija came to know of an opportunity abroad for Ram to expand his business. The opportunity came with its challenges but Bhoomija saw it as the perfect way to put some distance between them and Ram’s family – an actual chance at a life together, nearly a decade after their marriage.

The opportunity arrived at the right time, and Bhoomija was able to divert herself from self-destruction towards hope for a happy future.

The initial years were difficult, as is the case with anyone who makes a move to another country. Not used to working for anyone else but himself, Ram was inclined to quit and go back many a time. But Bhoomija kept encouraging him and boosting his confidence. In a couple of years, he qualified to start his own business and Bhoomija was thrilled. Ram still entertained thoughts of going back but for Bhoomija she was quite sure that ship had sailed and there was no looking back.

They reached a compromise. Ram would travel back and forth, managing his interests both back home and overseas while Bhoomija and Luv would settle in the new country, in their new home. Bhoomija did not want to stop Ram from meeting his family and she refrained from laying down any conditions to that effect.

By this time Bhoomija recognised that she was going through significant mental turmoil. Although life was coming together for them, thoughts of ending her life would come unbidden and she had a constant feeling of alarm and fear. She tried to tell Ram she didn’t feel ok, that she needed therapy or some kind of help to pull herself out of this emotional abyss. But Ram never quite understood the full extent of the mental toll his family’s behaviour had taken on Bhoomija. He listened to her and sympathised, but beyond that he didn’t recognise that she needed professional help to heal from the inside. 

The next time Ram returned back from his trip, he brought his parents over to visit. Seeing them again, Bhoomija felt a trapdoor close firmly over. In her head, she was sinking into quicksand, never to resurface. Every single incident of the past decade stood out in absolute clarity, demanding justice, demanding the voice she never really lent to her feelings at how she was treated.

It took great mental strength to look past that and behave like everything was normal. And it took no time for her in-laws to go back to their usual ways. She began to be blamed for just about everything and anything that wasn’t right in their new lifestyle, even in their new country.

One fine day, Bhoomija’s spirit broke and she completely lost control over herself and her actions.

It was Luv who gave her an account of what happened once she regained her senses. While her mind blacked out the entire episode from her psyche, her son told her how she laughed and cried hysterically, threw everything in sight, hit her husband and became extremely violent and unmanageable.

An ambulance was then summoned after which she was admitted and diagnosed of suffering from chronic depression. She was given anti-depressants to calm her down.

The first time Bhoomija went through this back home, she was neither diagnosed properly nor offered treatment for her condition. There was and continues to be a stigma attached to mental health issues back home and it was no different for Bhoomija.

In her new country of residence though, things were different. Depression wasn’t a stigma or something to be ashamed of. Once she had recovered from her breakdown, the doctor recommended counselling and therapy.

Bhoomija was poised to embark on yet another journey, that of finding herself.

Visit The Bhoomija Story To Access All Parts of this True Story

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